thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
