i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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