mondays should just be called national damage control day
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
