we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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