She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
