mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
