I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
