my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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