He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
