Can i not drive my cunt home
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
