Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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