im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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