From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
