Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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