I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
