Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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