hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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