Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
