Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
