i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
