in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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