saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
