Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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