I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
