I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Girls should come with a carfax report
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize