Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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