So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dignity is for republicans.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm way too hungover for life right now
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize