my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
