the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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