Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
