I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
