i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
