im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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