Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
