I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
