i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
