I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
