Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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