two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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