Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize