i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
