so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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