you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
