the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
