I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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