Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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