i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
