New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize