Non-Jews are for practice
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize