we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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