just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
