this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
