Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
