When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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