I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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