i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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