I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
