I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
