i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
