Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
