Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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