I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You need Xanax blowdarts
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
