If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
