Whod you bang
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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