I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
