you guys were way drunker than both of me
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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