If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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